Learning how to say “No”, dealing with the terrible two , with childish anxiety, with the shy or too messy personality of a child … There are so many novelties to administer when we have children, that we feel as if we parents were the first Need to learn and to understand how to solve some issues that both take away our sleep.
Some of them are: how to educate effectively? How to use the power of words and maintain authority as parents, but without losing sweetness and patience? How to teach correct attitudes, without acting in the wrong way? Writer and education consultant Elisama Santos, 32, also faced these challenges with her two children (Miguel, aged five, and Helena, three). In order to face the difficulties, he went on to study and specialize in nonviolent education, a research process developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, to deal with the increasing affronts that the small ones caused in the day to day.
Currently her page has more than 40,000 followers, most of them women and mothers, who share, comment and enjoy their texts and photos. With the success of the online profile and with the support of followers, family and friends, she was able to write and launch the book “Tudo eu” last year, which brings her look on the B side of maternity, highlighting the importance of empathy with the woman Mother and approaches the whirlwind of feelings that this woman lives after the Birth of the children. With success, the writer and consultant launched the same year “Re Look”, which brings a reconnection of the mother and father with themselves and how this encounter with themselves in dealing with their children occurs.
This Saturday, July 8, in Rio de Janeiro, Elisama receives parents for a workshop on Nonviolent Communication and Positive Discipline. The event will present a new way of talking to the children and the best way to listen to them, so that the needs of the whole family are respected. The event will be held at Ananda Espaço Yoga, in Copacabana, at 8:30 am. More information through the link: https: //www.eventbrite.c
We interviewed the specialist on how to promote a peaceful education at home. Check below:
AM – How is it possible to communicate with children in a quiet way when they disobey?
Elisama Santos – The most important thing in communicating with the child is to understand that she is a child. Something that should be obvious, but we forget every day. Your child has just arrived in the world, is learning how society works, how to relate to people and to themselves. Our role is to guide and make this presentation of life. Unfortunately, because of daily obligations, the daily rush and the traditional way of seeing education, we require the child what he is not able to give. If we do not take the behavior as a personal affront and understand that there is a being in development, we strive more to deal with the daily obstacles with more tranquility.
AM – How would positive education be?
Elisama Santos – A non-violent education brings a new way of listening and speaking with the child, encouraging cooperation, self-discipline, self-esteem, and empathy. We understand the child’s needs, welcome their complexity and their wants, and teach them how to deal with their feelings and needs. Understand that when I speak of welcoming, I do not speak in response. They do not exist and are important, but they are more thoughtful and we understand that after a negative, the child will feel frustration, sadness or something similar, like all of us, after all. We hope the child says, “Thank you, Mama, very sensible of your attitude.” Of course not! She will cry, and if she behaves in an inappropriate way, I will teach her how to deal with this feeling in a more socially accepted way, Respectful and healthy. We all have innumerable emotional problems that could have been avoided if they could handle our emotions better. We are emotionally illiterate and it is time to change this, present this inner world and tools to deal with it.
Does punishment work?
Elisama Santos – It depends on what you understand by working. Is it to end the behavior briefly? If so, it might work. But what does it teach? Let’s be honest, how many times during a punishment did you think of more constructive ways to deal with that situation when it happened again? Usually we thought of revenge or how unfair our parents are. We are not responsible for what happens and we do not seek more appropriate solutions to the problem. This is the great problem of punishment, it takes the focus of the problem and puts it in the relationship. If I want my son to have a bigger repertoire in front of what happens to him, to be less reactive and more aware, punishment is not a good tool.
AM – And put in the thought? From my own experience, I understood that thinking without a good conversation that reflects why the child’s wrong attitude is no good. But generalizing, is conversation really critical in the child’s education in the face of mistakes and successes, always? With smaller and larger works the same way?
Elisama Santos – The corner of thought is a costumed punishment. It’s the same thing. Can you force someone to think? What guarantees you that, at that moment, the child is pondering their attitudes and seeking a new way of acting? Would not it be more useful for the adult to guide her, demonstrating her expectations about the situation and presenting tools to deal with the feeling that triggered the behavior? Everything we do is guided by our feelings and needs, And so it is so important to deal with them. The dialogue should be presented to the baby and base the relationship until adulthood. There is no age limit. We are sociable beings and teaching how to deal with conflicts with the conversation is essential for the child’s personal and professional future.
AM – In what way is it possible to create a relationship, where the child understands that despite talking and talking peacefully about mistakes, is it important to have respect?
Elisama Santos – The relationship between parents and children should be based on friendship, and this does not negate the role of caring and guiding the child in the face of the limits of relationships and the world. I speak to my children every day, who are my friends and we talk about the most diverse topics and believe that this makes our daily life easier. What kind of boss do you attend most earnestly, what treats you as equal, with equality and respect, or what simply imposes your thoughts? Listening and respecting the opinions makes us closer and encourages collaboration. Authority does not need authoritarianism.
AM – Do you have research data that tells about the difference in behavior of the child that is treated aggressively and that is treated with patience?
Elisama Santos – The author of Emotional Intelligence and the art of educating our children reports a study that shows that children educated by what he calls emotional trainers are healthier, have fewer respiratory problems, less cortisol in urine, and Of an increased ability to get out of unpleasant emotional studies. It has a greater power of communication and greater social skills. In short, they are more emotionally intelligent and the QE is, evidently, an important factor for happiness, personal and professional success.
AM – Regardless of the child’s error, should the problem be solved in the same tone? Ex: Should a child running at the mall receive discipline before it to the same degree as the child who commits aggression against a little friend? How to show the child peacefully that one mistake was much more serious than the other? Volume of voice, sadness, punishment, loss of something important to her?
Elisama Santos – There is no cake recipe. There are many possible tools for guiding a child with inappropriate behavior. In some situations, we will let them experience the natural consequences of their behavior, in others we will invite them to seek ways to repair their error. It is important to point out that bad behavior does not exist by itself, but that it is the consequence of some feeling or necessity, Or some misinterpretation of reality. Children are excellent observers and terrible interpreters. We need to take on our role as counselors and do it in a respectful and effective way in the long run, which punishment does not bring. It is important to remember that a child who feels good, respected and accepted is a child who collaborates more and has a greater responsibility for his attitudes, knowing that he has an important role in the family structure.
AM – Some tips to help parents cope with the different stages of childhood. Can you talk briefly about each step? Elisama Santos – I have two tips that I consider very important. The first is: study. We study for a new job, for several projects, but for the mission that I consider the most important, we think we were born knowing. We want to do as we were educated and did not question what could be better. Are you the best version of yourself today? If their parents had access to this information and were emotional preparers many of their relationship problems and limiting beliefs would not exist. So let’s use this immense possibility of information we have today and go beyond the “it was so with me and I did not die. “The second tip is to understand that some behaviors are age-specific and that our role is to help them understand the world and relationships. Two-year-olds howl when contradicted, four-year-olds have a tendency to challenge authority and adolescents have a great need for acceptance by the social group. Accepting that these phases exist and finding tools to deal with them makes the routine less frustrating and the days more fluid. We must not forget that we are the adults of the relationship. Accepting that these phases exist and finding tools to deal with them makes the routine less frustrating and the days more fluid. We must not forget that we are the adults of the relationship. Accepting that these phases exist and finding tools to deal with them makes the routine less frustrating and the days more fluid. We must not forget that we are the adults of the relationship.